I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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