there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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