"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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