just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Randomize
