I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
