Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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