My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
