The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
