You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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