Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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