the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
