youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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