Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
