his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
