When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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