he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
