Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
