I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
