just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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