Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
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