this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
