I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
