my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
