yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
