Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
