Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
