I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.