alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
