I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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