dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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