the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
