she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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