tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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