rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
