My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
