Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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