How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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