you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
