Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
