alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
