My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
