so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
