You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
