he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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