I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
