What a fucking waste of an outfit
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
