I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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