I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
