Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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