I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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