Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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