Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
