You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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